What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:15
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
What is a good habit and what is bad one?
My family never makes their pension either.
But, we were locked up after school.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why do only ugly women like me on Tinder? Is it because I'm an ugly man?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I don,t even have a pension.
But it wasn’t much.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One cannot live in the past .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do very hot men ever feel attracted to an ugly woman? Why?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I said to her
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We all went to grammer schools
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was 9 years of age.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I think the readers, may guess!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What did i know ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
Was to survive, this bastard.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It was going to be , some day.
She found it foreign!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im still living with it.
I was very sick at this time too.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He knew the spot.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So, i spoilt her more .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Ive learnt so much.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I have no regrets .
This is soul school!.
My life is so biszare .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why did i forgive my father ?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Who then, do I blame.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was in good health!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Put me off passion for life!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was seconnd youngest,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I will be 64.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I waited trembling.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She loved him until the end.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was scared of men, in general
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And i lived it daily.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
When she asked me how she looked .
Would this be the day?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She married twice! .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We were not on the streets..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So whats the point in blame.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
All the time i was locked up.